I have a bad feeling this will be a long post- I have much to talk about.
First thing first... The confession.
To be bluntly honest, and I am going to be very open about this cause indeed I am a chief of sinners. My main reason for getting leaving xanga was because of all the pornography in it. Like any other guy I have met, it is spiritually deadly and I was done of fighting a LOSING fight. Yep. Thats right. I lost many times, and am very ashamed. However, I got an internet filter and had xanga blocked until now cause I just recently had to do a restore disk on my computer. My pride took a huge hit cause I hate running away from conflicts, but like scripture says, I am to FLEE from immorality, not fight it face to face.
For inquiring minds, I do not have the internet block just yet, but I at the moment my alternative plans have been working. I should not need to have an internet block. I hate it. I hate being suck a freaking hypocrite. Getting this out in the open i think will help me. Yeah, it will affect me and my friends and whoever reads this and I am aware of the consequences, but to be honest, I know my true friends will pray for me, and those who turn away... well... thats what I get for my sin.
Spiritual Warfare Anyone?
I think I can thank my senior pastor for this cause that is what we are studying right now. The timing could be better, I think.
I am in the process of buying a Condominium, looking for a room mate etc. I also need 10k to magically pop out of no where for downpayment. I think I have 5-6k taken care of, and I am sure I can come up with another $1,500 within 2 weeks. That still leaves me needing about 3 thousand dollars. Oy.... I have other options, of course, but that is my best one.
I am working like crazy. Yesterday and today, I was up at 7 30, at work at 8 30, off at 430, at red lobster at 5 30, and finally back home at 11 pm... Good times. Tomorrow is church. Thursday I should have the evening off from Red Lobster, unless they ask me to come in.
Spiritually, things have been REALLY intense. My depression is here and there... comes and goes ya know?
I have met a really amazing girl, but the thing that sucks is that we are nothing alike... like SO different that my spiritual wisdom is walking a VERY thin line.... that's all I am going to say about that. I have been praying about it for a while. We shall see what God does with this situation.
I dunno... everything is getting harder. The girls are prettier and more flirtatious. Temptation seems to be lurking around every corner. Evil is getting more and more confusing and harder to distinguish. My body has taken a few hits and hurts.
Yet at the same time, my worship time and been more meaningful. Prayer has been more real, and my bible reading is being more fruitful and fulfilling and guiding. Ultimately, by spiritual walk is getting very intense, and there is A LOT in stake... My next couple months will determine my responsibility and capabilities to be a discipler- which is huge and infact the biggest concern on my mind most of the time.
It is because of this intensity that petty things like what I confessed at the beginning of this post is irrelevant. Yes, it CAN still be a stumbling block for sure, so I will not turn a blind eye to it. But within a month, I hope to be moved out of my house and in a condominium where I will not have internet or cable TV... I cannot wait to have that sort of freedom.... *sighs* Granted, the library is in walking distance : )
Music
Thank God for amazing Christian Music. Thousand foot Krutch's new album, "the flame in all of us" came out last night.... I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
No, seriously, it is amazing. I can honestly say it is my most favorite music album I have ever heard. The lyrics are so true and I can relate to so many of their songs in so many ways. Their beat, melody, RHYTHM, everything, it just seeps into me and a ministry to my soul and heart.
Also, Disciple's album "the scar's remain"... SO great. So many awesome songs.... In all seriousness, I know God has placed these two bands in my life to help me spiritually for this war, in which just happens to be getting more and more intense each day.
I say my God reigns supreme, and that is all I need to know.
Comments (8)
I really don't know what else to say, but I'm praying for you.
Ephesians 1:16-23
I cease not to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers;
That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him:
The eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints,
And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to usward who believe, according to the working of his mighty power,
Which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places,
Far above all principality, and power, and might, and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this world, but also in that which is to come:
And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church,
Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all.
Colossians 1:9-14
For this cause we also, since the day we heard it, do not cease to pray for you, and to desire that ye might be filled with the knowledge of his will in all wisdom and spiritual understanding;
That ye might walk worthy of the Lord unto all pleasing, being fruitful in every good work, and increasing in the knowledge of God;
Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness;
Giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints in light:
Who hath delivered us from the power of darkness, and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son:
In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
Ephesians 3:14-19
For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;
That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
Philippians 1:9-11
And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment;
That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ;
Being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God.
(MAYBE one day we'll have a conversation again..
Wait, I'm confused. God sent this temptation to you?
Anyway, I'm not too bad. Still trying to get money and I'm reading up all about the legal aspect of beginning a photography business... from what I've read it's really not that complicated. I'm definitely going to be a freelancer, because I like to do a little bit of everything and I don't want to be "stuck" in any one particular field of photography than another. So yeah, Senior Portraits, Weddings, Events, News, regular portraits, advertising, whatever. I'm all for it. SO yeah, that's mostly what's new with me.
Josh and I have been able to see each about every two weeks lately. Mostly because winter will be bad and we probably won't be able to see each other more than once a month again. Sadness. He is thinking of moving to Indy next summer though, so that's something to look forward to; he'll only be 2-3 hours away.
So yeah... and another thing... time is going way too fast! I thought I just turned 20, but it's already been well over 2 months. It's just flying by lately. Well, all the time flies except the 2 (or more) weeks where I don't see Josh. Those intervals keep slowing down and dragging, unfortunately. Ah well, things will get much worse before they get better, so I might as well be happy that they're going this good now. :]
"My pride took a huge hit cause I hate running away from conflicts..."
Temptation is not conflict. I'm sure you'll have something to debate about concerning that statement... but temptation is temptation. You're fleeing from temptation, not "running away" from a situation that would somehow make you a "better man". Conflict builds character... sin breaks it down. Make sure you distinguish between avoiding conflict, and running from sin.
This seems like a pretty bold Xanga entry. The loss to your "pornography battle" seems a little too personal for Xanga. I don't believe you have to introduce your sin to the world for it to be legitimate confession. It says "confess your sins one to another", yes... but that's more appropriate within the church. I could be wrong in this... but it just seems a little crazy to spout off a sin of immorality to the entire Xanga community.
now i understand why i haven't been getting any reply on IM or what not... brother, i will miss the xanga blogs, but i wholeheartedly support u and am praying for u to have spiritual strength. talk with you later, love ya!
Good on you for admitting this... you're not alone dude.
I don't wanna discuss covenants with you, because we'll just end up arguing.